True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Panties = found
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
