Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
