i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
No stitches, just platelets and will power
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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