why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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