The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
