i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
