K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
