I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
