woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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