I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
