Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
