i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
