I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
