Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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