I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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