I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize