I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
