I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
