1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
