I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
