if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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