So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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