Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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