My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
