if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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