Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
