You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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