did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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