im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
