Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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