I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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