woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
