Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
