That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
