The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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