I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
