I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
