Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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