she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
