I think I died a long time ago.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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