i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
