Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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