Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
