Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I forget how to act sober
The air taste purple.
Randomize
