I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
