god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
