WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
