Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
