God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
