I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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