I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
