i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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