that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We just shotgunned beers for America
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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