yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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