he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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