Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
