he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
