she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
